--- title: "Thanks for the Feedback: Why Receiving Feedback Is the Skill That Matters" description: "Thanks for the Feedback: Why Receiving Feedback Is the Skill That Matters" image: https://www.innosphere.ca/hubfs/Constructive%20Feedback%20Conversation%20Infographic.png --- [Skip to content](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/thanks-for-the-feedback-why-receiving-feedback-is-the-skill-that-matters#main-content) ![Innosphere](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/innosphere-logo-reverse%20(1)%20(2)-2.png?width=2551&height=852&name=innosphere-logo-reverse%20(1)%20(2)-2.png) - [Services](https://www.innosphere.ca/professional-services) Show submenu for Services - [Services Overview](https://www.innosphere.ca/professional-services) - [Fractional Senior Leadership](https://www.innosphere.ca/fractional-senior-leadership) - [People Strategy](https://www.innosphere.ca/people-strategy) - [Augmented Services Plus](https://www.innosphere.ca/augmented-services-plus) - [About Us](https://www.innosphere.ca/about-us) - [Work with Us](https://www.innosphere.ca/work-with-us) - [Strategic Insights](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog) Open main navigation Close main navigation - [Services](https://www.innosphere.ca/professional-services) Show submenu for Services - [Services Overview](https://www.innosphere.ca/professional-services) - [Fractional Senior Leadership](https://www.innosphere.ca/fractional-senior-leadership) - [People Strategy](https://www.innosphere.ca/people-strategy) - [Augmented Services Plus](https://www.innosphere.ca/augmented-services-plus) - [About Us](https://www.innosphere.ca/about-us) - [Work with Us](https://www.innosphere.ca/work-with-us) - [Strategic Insights](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog) - [Contact us](https://www.innosphere.ca/#contact) [Contact us](https://www.innosphere.ca/#contact) Nov 13, 2026, 8:41:40 AM # Thanks for the Feedback: Why Receiving Feedback Is the Skill That Matters ![Picture of Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/image%20(34).png?width=50&name=image%20(34).png) [Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/author/greg-phillips) Share: [facebook-f icon](http://www.facebook.com/share.php?u=https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/thanks-for-the-feedback-why-receiving-feedback-is-the-skill-that-matters) [linkedin-in icon](http://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?mini=true&url=https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/thanks-for-the-feedback-why-receiving-feedback-is-the-skill-that-matters) [Twitter icon](https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/thanks-for-the-feedback-why-receiving-feedback-is-the-skill-that-matters) [pinterest-p icon](http://pinterest.com/pin/create/link/?url=https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/thanks-for-the-feedback-why-receiving-feedback-is-the-skill-that-matters) [envelope icon](mailto:?body=https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/thanks-for-the-feedback-why-receiving-feedback-is-the-skill-that-matters) Most organizations spend their feedback budget on the wrong person. We run workshops on how to *give* feedback: wrap criticism between two compliments, make it specific, deliver it in private. Yet the person receiving it decides what gets heard, what gets dismissed, and what actually changes. That's the central argument of *Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well* (2014) by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. They teach negotiation at Harvard Law School and co-wrote the bestseller *Difficult Conversations*. Their point is simple and a little uncomfortable: if you want a feedback culture, start with the receivers. That's all of us. The book's subtitle sets up the tension well. Feedback sits between two human needs: the drive to learn and grow, and the desire to be accepted as we already are. Every hard conversation pulls on both at once. ## Why feedback stings: the three triggers Stone and Heen argue that we reject feedback for three predictable reasons. Once you know which one you're reacting to, it's much easier to respond well. 1. **Truth triggers.** The feedback seems wrong, unfair, or unhelpful. "That's not what happened." The fix is to separate *understanding* from *agreeing*: ask where it comes from and where it's going before you judge it. 2. **Relationship triggers.** The feedback is filtered through who is giving it. "Who are *you* to tell me that?" The message gets lost in our reaction to the messenger, even when the message is right. 3. **Identity triggers.** The feedback threatens our sense of who we are. "I'm a terrible manager." The fix starts with how you see yourself. Everyone has strengths and flaws, so one piece of criticism doesn't define you. Treat it as information you can learn from, not a final judgment of your worth. The value of the framework is speed. Once you can say "this is a relationship trigger," you can set the messenger aside for a moment and look at the message on its own. ## Not all feedback is the same Many feedback conversations go sideways because the two people are talking about different kinds of feedback. The authors identify three: | Type | What it says | What it does for the receiver | | --- | --- | --- | | Appreciation | "I see you, and what you do matters." | Motivates and builds connection | | Coaching | "Here's how you could do this better." | Builds skill and capability | | Evaluation | "Here's where you stand." | Sets expectations and informs decisions | The mismatch is common. A manager offers coaching ("try structuring the deck differently"), while the employee hears evaluation ("my work isn't good enough"). Or someone who badly needs appreciation keeps getting tips. Asking "what kind of feedback is this?" clears up a surprising amount of confusion. One more insight: evaluation is loud. Whenever a rating or judgment is in the room, it tends to drown out any coaching that comes with it. That's a strong argument for separating performance ratings from development conversations. ## Blind spots and switchtracking Two ideas from the book stick long after you put it down. **Blind spots.** We judge ourselves by our intentions; others judge us by our impact. We can't hear our own tone or see our own face when we're frustrated. So feedback that feels baseless is sometimes describing exactly what we can't see. Rather than asking "is this true?", ask "how might they be seeing something I can't?" **Switchtracking.** This happens when a receiver responds to feedback by changing the subject, often to a legitimate grievance about the giver. Say your partner says, "You were rude to the waiter," and you reply, "Well, you were the one who made us late." Now there are two conversations on one track, and neither gets resolved. The remedy is to notice the switch and name it: both topics matter, but take them one at a time. ## Putting it to work In your own day-to-day, the book boils down to a handful of habits: - **Ask for one thing.** "What's one thing I'm doing, or failing to do, that's getting in my own way?" A small, specific request gets honest answers that a vague "any feedback?" never will. - **Name the trigger.** When you feel defensive, label it: truth, relationship, or identity. Then deal with that, not the feedback. - **Clarify the type.** Before a review or check-in, agree on whether it's appreciation, coaching, or evaluation. - **Know your wiring.** People differ in how far they swing after feedback, and how long it takes to recover. Knowing your own pattern helps you avoid overreacting. - **You can still say no.** Receiving feedback well doesn't mean accepting all of it. The book is explicit that setting boundaries is part of the skill. - **Make it a habit.** Ask for feedback regularly, not just at review time, and let people see you act on it. They'll be more candid with you next time. ## The bottom line *Thanks for the Feedback* changes the question from "how do we give better feedback?" to "how do we get better at taking it in?" That change puts the power, and the responsibility, with the person who has the most to gain. For anyone trying to learn faster, it's a practical read. Receiving feedback well is not about being thick-skinned or agreeable. It's about staying curious long enough to find the useful part, even when it's wrapped in something uncomfortable. ## Leave a Comment! ## Related posts [![](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/AI-Generated%20Media/Images/Objectives%20and%20Key%20Results.png?height=200&name=Objectives%20and%20Key%20Results.png)](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/measure-what-matters) ## [Measure What Matters: OKRs & CFR](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/measure-what-matters) ![Picture of Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/image%20(34).png?width=50&name=image%20(34).png) [Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/author/greg-phillips) Jun 3, 2026, 8:19:06 PM Ideas don't change the world. Execution does. John Doerr'sMeasure What Mattersis the playbook... [Read more](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/measure-what-matters) [![](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/ChatGPT%20Image%20Aug%206%2c%202026%2c%2012_29_14%20PM.png?height=200&name=ChatGPT%20Image%20Aug%206%2c%202026%2c%2012_29_14%20PM.png)](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/the-five-dysfunctions-of-a-team-why-most-teams-fail-long-before-the-work-goes-wrong) ## [The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: Why Most Teams Fail Long Before the Work Goes Wrong](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/the-five-dysfunctions-of-a-team-why-most-teams-fail-long-before-the-work-goes-wrong) ![Picture of Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/image%20(34).png?width=50&name=image%20(34).png) [Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/author/greg-phillips) Aug 7, 2026, 9:21:10 AM Most teams don't fail because of bad strategy, bad talent, or bad luck. They fail because of what... [Read more](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/the-five-dysfunctions-of-a-team-why-most-teams-fail-long-before-the-work-goes-wrong) [![](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/ChatGPT%20Image%20Jun%2025%2c%202026%2c%2010_53_13%20AM.png?height=200&name=ChatGPT%20Image%20Jun%2025%2c%202026%2c%2010_53_13%20AM.png)](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/your-org-chart-is-lying-to-you.-pace-and-face-tell-the-truth) ## [Your org chart is lying to you. PACE and FACE tell the truth.](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/your-org-chart-is-lying-to-you.-pace-and-face-tell-the-truth) ![Picture of Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/hs-fs/hubfs/image%20(34).png?width=50&name=image%20(34).png) [Greg Phillips](https://www.innosphere.ca/blog/author/greg-phillips) Jun 12, 2026, 11:02:06 AM Most CEOs know who reports to whom. Far fewer know who owns which process or who is truly... 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